Chai

I found this quote, and it made me laugh so hard, mostly because it applies SO well to my entire life, especially lately… from the wisdom of Winnie the Pooh came:

 ”I don’t see much sense in that,” said Rabbit.
“No,” said Pooh humbly, “there isn’t. But there was going to be when I began it. It’s just that something happened to it along the way.”

LOL!  That’s my life!  It all begins with such purpose and then…along the way…something happens!!  And this makes me laugh so hard!! Maybe that’s not a good thing, but I’m counting this towards of my ab workout, so maybe it is!  Always good to laugh at yourself I figure!

Anyway.  My life is still “happening” and I’m about to go have some life with a nice four day weekend in the moutains with no kids…just my hubby and me and a nice hotel room *wink wink*  Long over due.  Who knows…we might just come back with another kid!! LOL!  Of couse, we’re both so sleep deprived that hotel room means catching up on sleep almost more than catching up on “wink wink”. 

Almost. 

In any event…I’m looking forward to getting back -almost- (again) as much as going away.  Come Tuesday, I’m back.  I’m back to exercising every day, to journalling my food every day, to checking in with my buddy slimers every day…to being commited and FOCUSED to my new lifestyle.   I can’t wait to get back in touch with all my buddyslimmers here!  I’ve been keeping up with the exercise and diet…but I’ve also been slacking and not commited as I should be.  I’ll use excuses *gasp* to justify the slacking…and that’s not good for me.  And I’m cracking the whip come Tuesday!   

I’m really hoping this time “something” doesn’t happen along the way again! Or that when it does, I manage to hold on to the “sense” of what I’m doing…

So it’s been FOREVER since I’ve blogged, or even read most of the blogs…and once again…(is this the third time or the 50^th??) I’m left apologizing for my crappy ways!   It seems there’s a huge list of things going wrong, or right, or whatever lately that’s keeping me from being as supportive and “online” as I could be.  And despite the fact that they’re REAL reasons, not just excuses, I still feel bad.   Really really bad.   

First, was my birthday, and I ate the Chinese (and loved it and still feel bad about eating it!), and then I was busy with all that birthday jazz.  I started getting ready for spring, getting all the outdoor gear out, getting ready to plant my seedlings (because once again the Murderous Plant Wonder is trying to see how many victims she can tally up)…. Only to have the spring blizzard from Hades, ironically enough, show up.  It socked us in for a couple days and actually made me feel remorseful about doing anything outside when my spring cleaning isn’t done.  And to make these matters even worse, my wonderful hubby got me my dream for my birthday, a new digital SLR…which has been sucking back my attention as I learn the hidden depths of what is turning out to be my new appendage.  

So I’m trying to finish up my spring cleaning, get ready for our big vacation next week (which is our anniversary trip, so that makes it more complicated than just the usual packing, lists, haircuts, shopping etc, all of which I still have to do, but adding on to that is trying to remember all the surprises I have planned for this trip, that I’ve been thinking up for the past year, and then executing them and trying to keep it all hidden from my hubby…not easy for some of my nature),  trying to do my taxes (talk about hellacious! Who wants to short thru and try and read and organize a years worth of receipts?  And then try and figure out where to put it all on the tax forms??  ARIGH!)  

All while also trying to potty train my two year old.  (which is NOT going well.  She’s done her bit in the potty, so she gets that, but she doesn’t WANT to, keeps saying “Not going on the potty Mum” and “No Potty Mummy”…and I don’t know how to overcome that…any hints? ideas?  Tips??   My oldest was trained in day so I’m really lost here!! ) 

And my hair is falling out.  (literally) 

Of course, that could be because I’m off my meds, which is leaving me tired and blah on top of it all.  And yuck. 

To top off my wagon heap load here, my computer keeps fritzing.  It’s really hating on me these days.   I get online, only to have the sucker crash or get the jitters (odd, since I’m drinking coffee, not it) or decide I can visit one site, but not another.  And then randomly change its mind about where I can and can’t go, just to keep me guessing and confused as all get out.  And since it’s down in the basement, far from all the cleaning that needs to be done, I’m not there (here) very much.  I’m hoping to get the lap top wired for the net upstairs to divert at least some of my issues here.   Ease of accessibility and all that.

Really, it feels like my life is just swirling about me madly these days, and I’m in the middle, dazed and confused.  And a whole lot of blah. 

Why does it seem that there are only so many things you can focus on at once?  That something’s always gotta give?  When I focus on this and lifestyle, the house work suffers.  When I focus on housework, this suffers…. Now why in the world is that?  Am I ever going to get to a point where I can do it all and have nothing left suffering from ill attention? 

About the only plus is that I AM keeping up with exercise and diet…mostly. : )  I’m not exercising with my usual single-mindedness for 2 hrs a day, but I make sure to do a little every day.   

I AM NOT GIVING UP!!!  That’s not what this is about.    At all! 

I just wanted to give you all a heads up about my life and crappy ways, and let you know I’m NOT giving up, I’m NOT going way, I’m just not all here… :) 

I’ll be trying to bounce around for the next week or so, and I’ll try and read the blogs (when my computer lets me), but I’m sorry if I’m not around or blogging or responding….And I’m sorry this is so insanely long!!! 

I’m not giving up…I’m just begging forgiveness…. 

I’ll see you all on the flipside of this whirlwind… 

So…I’m going to do something.  And it’s not good.  And I’m still going to do it.  I’m wondering just how bad that makes it…. The story is this…there’s something I LOVE, but my husband can’t stand, and so I only get it once a year.  No no no, it’s food!  Chinese food to be exact.  And once a year I get to indulge while he has something else…and it’s something I look forward to all year long.  (even though it makes me sick.  Literally, the MSG KILLS me, I end up with headaches …but still I go back, because it’s SO good). 

Today is my day for Chinese…and it’s a very very bad food for me, but because it’s a special day, I get it…and I’m going to have it!   Even though it’s bad.   

Really bad. 

So.  How bad does it make things, that I KNOW I’m making a bad choice…and I’m still making it?   

Granted I cut the portion sizes down in half, and then in half again from what I ordered last year….but it’s still really bad food no matter the quantity.  And I can keep justifying it, but it doesn’t make it better.  I do wonder though, if there are days we can take, special days…where we get to make these bad choices and not feel bad?  Take a walk on the wild side and not have to visit the ole confessional?   Opinions?

So now that I’m back, I’m trying to remember why I’m here.  I’m trying to remember my motivation.  It’s such a huge factor in what we’re all doing, why we’re doing it….it’s a driving force.   It’s easy to forget though…and to lose….it gets blurry and you forget it’s even there to remind you.

 So I need a little reminder.  What’s motivating me to keep going?  Why am I doing this?

Why are YOU doing this?  What are your motivators?  What’s the driving force behind you getting healthy?  It really helps to hear what’s motivating others, because a lot of the time its something that you didn’t think about, and it’s another point to add to your list.  Seeing things from another perspective really does help.

 I know I know….it’s all about -being healthy-….and it is.  It REALLY is.  I don’t want diabetes, I don’t want a stroke or heart attack.  C’mon, I’m just 26 (maybe for only a day and a couple hours, but I’m hanging on to 26 as long as I can with a white knuckled grip).  But there’s more.  Because being healthy isn’t really a reality until you aren’t.  I think it’s something we all take for granted until it’s taken from us, or someone close to us.  And then it’s a HUGE smack into reality.  Although, running out of breath going up the stairs, is also a huge smack into reality, and it’s nice to be able to change that!  :) 

But there are other tangibles that motivate us.  Reasons we’re doing this.

Looking good?  Yeah, I’d say that’s probably a big one, if not THE one for me.  When you’ve been big for so long…you forget how nice it is to LOOK nice.  To look hot, smokin’, sexy.  To WANT to go clothes shopping, instead of grabbing an XL on my way by and hoping it’ll be big enough.  I want to wear nice clothes.  And I want them to look GOOD!

What else?

Here’s a real closet secret.  I don’t want to admit it, but it’s a fear for me.  I don’t want my daughters to be embarrased by me.  My oldest will be going to school next year, with all the fun playground tants that entails.  There’ll be more than enough ammunition, I don’t want to add to her load.   I’m want her to be happy and proud I’m her mother….I want that more than I want nice clothes.  I want her to have the mother every one else wants to have. 

There’re more reasons, but I think those are my main ones, and they’re probably enough for now.

So fears and wants drive us.   Motivate us.  And yet they’re so easy to forget.   Amazing.  They don’t go away, they’re always there, but they get shuffled back and left in the cobweb corners of the mind as we reach for that second helping or that apple fritter (d’oh!)

Here’s to reminding ourselves what we’re doing and why….to give us the extra boost we need to keep going, and going strong.

Okay, I’ve been VERY absent lately!  I tell ya, if it’s not one thing, it’s a million others!! :)  First we had our huge trip to do, and then we got back, and I figured, great, now I can catch up and get back on things here.

 God had other things in store for me though.  Out jumps the most vile cold bug, and attacks our family!  For shame!! First I was busy dealing with the girls who had it (you name it, and this bug gave it to us, from stomach ailments to fevers and brochitius and for the lucky one here, a loss of voice too!), and then they started perking up and I got double slammed with it.  It was nasty.   Then I start recovering, and my hubby comes down with it. 

And then my two year old starts getting her molars.  (all you mum’s out there know how much of a joy this is!  Talk about a cranky pant kid, and no solution out there!  ARGH!)

 So, now my house is in shambles, I’m behind on EVERYTHING, and spring has come.  (Bringing with it a multitude of new things to be done of course!)

 I’ve ripped out most of my hair, and just want to crawl into bed and pull a blanket over my head and wait for it all to deal with itself.  

If only that worked.  

Thankfully, I’ve managed to keep up with my diet, and mostly with my exercise (missed a lot when I was sick, but since breathing hurt I figured excessive movement was out :)  ) , now it’s just catching up with house work, and with all you on here!! 

I wanted to let you know I HAVEN’T given up, I HAVEN’T forgotten you, and I WILL start being a better buddy again!!! 

Thank you for all the boosters and notes while I was mostly awol, you guys are all fabulous (Especially you Anj!!) and I’m SO (so so so so so so so so so so!) lucky to have found you all (or have you find me!).

I’m going to go to bed now, since my eyes are no longer focusing.  :) 

Good night, and God Bless!