Chai

Okay, so I have “scale syndrome”….I’ve been using the scale to determine my progress…and since I have a scale war going on, this is not good.  See, I had a little…moment….this weekend, a brief period of insanity and I ended up destroying things for fun.  Heh.  Yeah, it was fun all right.

 A little background on the destruction though, so I don’t seem so…freaky insane.  See, I have three scales in my house.  One I’ve been using since I started and it’s the one I always use.  But then I had a bit of a freak out…going…maybe the scale is wrong!!  *gasp* Maybe the tape measure is lying!  Maybe I weigh so much I broke the freaking thing.  So, still not too badly freaked out, I figure, hey I’ve got two other scales…I’ll see what they say.  The result?  Not good.  One said I weighed MORE than what I started at, 289 pounds the first time, and then 267 the second. And the other?  Well, it said I weighed 358 pounds.   The first time.  The second, 126.  And while I liked the second number more, I figured the first was more likely.   But neither could possibly be right. 

Instead of taking the one that always says the same weight no matter how many times a a day I weigh myself on it…I panicked.  Flipped right out.  I had to spaz out on my husband, who calmly said…see what it says for the girls.  RIGHT!  Why didn’t I think of that?  Apparently my four year old weighs 189 pounds.  Or 326.  Or 15.  Ooooooorr….maybe she weighs 42…repeatedly, on my “normal” scale??

 So…I got upset with the stupid scales for taunting my paranoia.  And I had a long talk with them over a hammer.  Who knew there were so many parts to these things??

The conclusion of this ramble?  Don’t let scales be the “be all end all.”  The inches count.  How your clothes are fitting, counts.  How you can walk up the stairs without having an intermission half way up, counts.  How I can see all of stomach now, when that was never possible before…counts.  There’a  lot of ways to measure progress….this week I’m going to measure my progess not in pounds…but in how I stick to my eating and exercising plan, and not slacking off. 

That counts.  Most.  (to me)

So I was on the floor doing my ab workout, grunting away and biting my tongue to hold back the curses to save my daughters’ little ears….when I look over and see my little two year old…mimicking me.  Except she didn’t have the pained face…she actually looked….happy???   She had her legs up in the air trying to the bicycle like I was doing…and then she started grunting like me to copy what I was doing!!  She scrunch up her face and then grunt like she does when she drops a very stinky load in pants!  LOL!  I started laughing so hard I couldn’t keep going, and she thought she was being the most adorable little thing ever (which…okay…she really was).  But then it hit me…wow…they’re actually paying attention to what I’m doing…and they’re mimicking me.  I’m their role model.  Monkey…monkey do.  see (and man!  Some days are those two really really are monkeys, with their bouncing around and screeching…yeesh!) I guess all this exercise and eating healthy isn’t only for me.  They need to see what it means to be healthy.  What kind of habits would they be mimicking if I went back to the way I was??  Scary thought.   

So there’s a kick in the pants!    Any time I want to give up, I have to remember…this isn’t just about me anymore.  I have to do this for my girls too.  I’m a role model…scary!!

(I always wanted to be a model…guess I’ll just have to stick with this kind instead of the underwear-on-a-runway-type….less horrified screaming this way!! LOL!)

Here’s to a weekend of great role modeling for us all!! 

So, this has happened to me once before, but I had to share because it happened again.   

We’re teaching my four year old daughter that when we go into a store, she doesn’t always get a toy or a treat (I think we’ve spoiled her rotten!).  We tell her that going shopping isn’t always about getting what you want, it’s about getting what you need.    

And so there I am, debating out loud, (yes, I have two sided conversations with myself…yes they’re out loud…a true sign of insanity I know…and I’m totally good with that! LOL!)  debating about whether or not I should have that piece of chocolate.  “Yes, I really want it.  But do I really NEED it?” I say.   And then pipes up my four year old… 

“Mother (as she’s taken to calling me for some unknown reason…what happened to Mummy??? Is she TEN???  Are we living in ENGLAND????  What the heck anyway??),  Mother, we don’t always get what we want.” 

And wow…when you take someone you’ve been teaching your children…and turn it back around onto yourself…amazing how childish you really feel.  No, I don’t NEED that.  Yes, it IS a want.   

Guess we don’t always get what we want after all…because it’s not always what we need….. 

Here’s to learning the difference.

“It’s about doing the right thing and the hard thing at times. One day of discipline leading to another day of discipline. You build your body and your mind simultaneously. The good thing is anyone can do it — if they choose to.”

The above is a quote from an article called 8 Surefire Fat Burners, by Raphael Calzadilla, B.A., CPT, ACE.  It’s actually a great article for those who want to read it:

http://blog.ediets.com/2008/02/8-surefire-fat-burning-tips.html

 I’ve found that this is something a lot of us seem to struggle with; Lord knows I do!  And it helps to be reminded exactly what we’re struggling with sometimes.  Isn’t that what we’re doing?  Building body and mind?  I mean, body is one thing, and MAN is that hard!  But building your mind is even harder sometimes.

 So here’s to everyone who struggles with discipline…remember…it’s about doing the right thing, and the hard thing, one day at a time, …and ANYONE can CHOOSE to do it.

 What are you choosing today? 

So I’ve been notably absent with my blogging the last couple of days, but it’s not because I’ve given up and gone away!  LOL!  This weekend was actually the first weekend I’ve had off, and been able to spend at home with my family in six months!  So I took BIG advantage of that!! 

 It might sound sad, but I didn’t exercise these past two days (other than a push up challenge with I did! LOL!)  , but I didn’t really plan on it, because these weekends off at home are so few and far between, I wanted to just relax.  I did…and I DON’T feel bad!! I probably should, but it was SO nice to relax, and nap, and have fun with my family…and I was SO ready to get back to exercise!  I actually couldn’t wait to get back to my diet and back here, and give exercise my all again, instead of a half assed try! 

 So all you wonderful ladies who told me to take time for me, and to take care of myself…thank you!!  I took your advice and WOW did it work!!  There’s a new me now waiting to begin again and keep going better than ever!!

 You are all so great and supportive…I can’t wait to catch up on all of the blogging and progress I’ve missed in the last couple of days!!

 Once again…thank you ALL for being SO great!!!

I’ve been battling myself psychologically for the past week or so…and seriously, what a waste of time!!  Why do we DO this?!  LOL!  the saying, one step fowards, two steps back really applies here.  I don’t want to dance around like an idiot, doing some country two step here, I want to walk…jog…run…in a straight line to my goal. 

It has been REALLY hard to get back into the mindset that I was in six or seven or eight weeks ago…and I just couldn’t figure it out.  I kept trying and trying.  Finally, last night…I declaired war.  On myself.  It’s really kinda fun because no matter the outcome I win!! LOL!  But I really won last night.  Or at least the right side of me won!

See…I keep thinking…what if my scale is lying?  What if my tape measure is lying?  Am I REALLY losing weight?  I don’t think I look different.  Do I look different?  Bad bad thoughts!  Because they lead to the inevitable:

“I’m tired…I’ll just skip exercising today…I have no energy. ”

The “I’ll do it tomorrow” or “I’ll do better tomorrow.” 

Or “I’m tired…a little chocolate would really help perk me up.”

Or “I’m tired/I work so hard…I -deserve- that chocolate.”

 Really, I could keep going.  I have the uncanny skill to be able to talk circles around circles…espeically myself!  (It’s easy when you ingnore the little voices screaming “No! NO! Don’t DO IT!”  LOL!)

But I smacked myself around last night.  Sadly, I do mean literally.  But hey, if it shakes some of those rocks loose, it’s all good right?  It seemed to rattle some stones back into place or out of the damn dam they’d build up blocking my progroess.

And “I can see clearly now….the rain is gone….I can see all obstacles in my way!  Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind….gonna be bright…bright…briiiiiight sun shiney day!” (be glad you can actually hear me.  My children are laughing hysterically at me!  LOL!)

I apolgoize for the long blog, and don’t feel you have to read.  It’s mostly going to serve as a reminder to me when I hit this stage again next month or the month after. 

It’s easy to get distracted by things happening in life, and lose the focus of losing weight…and then it becomes even harder.  Don ‘t we all see this?  It’s a lot easier when losing weight is the number one and only focus…but it’s unrealistic that this can keep going for long.  So we have to learn to keep going and cope when things crop up to keep us from our routines that help the weightloss…but WE CAN DO IT! Sometimes it’s hard…but there’s no reason we can’t KEEP GOING! Sometimes, though, it helps to remind yourself where you’re coming from, and just where you’re going…

So last night I compared myself to picutres of myself from various weights thru my life.  250, 230, 210, 200, 190, 180, 170…..(notice there’s fewer pictures at the higher weights??  I wonder why that is?!?  LOL!)  I keep getting down on myself because even though I’ve lost nearly forty pounds…I don’t think I look different (even though my husband likes to nicely throw “Wow, you look slimmer” or “You’re really losing weight” at me right out of the blue…it’s so much nicer when you’re not expecting it!) 

 I felt like I should look like I was 150 pounds now…but I’m NOT 150 pounds now! LOL!  That’s what I need to keep in mind.  Yeah, I’ve lost weight…but I still have a LOT to lose to look the way I think I should/can/will.  I’m actually nearly at my wedding weight…and I look nearly the same as pictures from there (when I was 10 - 15 pounds lighter)…so I don’t feel bad anymore.

I can keep going baby!!  Progress will come if I keep progressing!!

Here’s to PROGRESSING!!  Progress baby, progress. 

((And, of course, here’s to coffee…the only thing that keeps me sane.  COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!  (can you guess where I’m going?? Hmmmn…COFFEE!! )))

Okay…WOW!  I am STILL struggling with not slipping back into the miasma that was my former existence!  Who knew it would be so hard! 

I have all these lists and reasons of why I’m doing it…but I’m at the point where it’s a real battle to keep going.  Fear not, I WILL keep going.  But MAN is it hard!!  Any of you reach this place??  Any kicker tips on getting out?  Anyone want to come kick me in the pants?? LOL!

 Lately it’s been one thing after another…and for some reason I’m drag-my-arse-out-and-beat it tired.  Could be because I’m only getting 5 hrs a sleep a night (if I’m lucky)…but that’s just my job.  That’s not gonna change.   First was the untimely appearance of TOM and a cold, then it was depression because my daughter didn’t get into the school I wanted for her, then it was freaking out because she DID get in, and I have all this crap to do in two weeks or she won’t be accepted!  UGH!   Too much to do, not enough me to do it!  It’s leading to little slips.  A day with less exercise here, a piece of pizza to much there…and it’s starting to gain speed!  MUST HALT!

Maybe I need more coffee!!  Refill me please?

 So I’m trying to refill my proud-excited-can’t wait to do this crap-I’m gonna kick some butt here and lose some weight- cup up.  But it’s coming back in a trickle.  Is there a hole in my cup somewhere?!?  Yeesh! What is my problem?? All I want to do is go have a nap.  But I have to go on the treadmill.  Ugh! 

Okay, so I’m doing some re-affirmations now:

This is my life now.  This is not an option.  This is the way things are.  Do it.   You are Nike.  Just do it.

There is no reason -not- to exercise.  There is no reason to eat bad foods. 

I need exercise.  I do not need bad food.

I CAN and WILL do this. 

After another cup of coffee. 

Okay okay.  Before the coffee!!  Here we go.  Back on track.  I am TRAIN, hear me…toot? 

Okay I’m GOING INSANE!!  Being the perpetually dumb person I am, I did something I’ve done before, which I still have the scar from.  I fell asleep on my heating pad.  Yes, a mother should know better.  Yes, I got burned again.  (the last time took over a month to heal enough not to need daily bandages).

 But it gets worse…dumba$$ here had to go and use bandages with a latex tape to hold them on.  Sounds proper right?  You have a burn you use polysporin and bandages to help it heal right?  Not if you’re a freak like me, who’s not only allergic to latex…but constantly fails to remember that fact! 

So now I’ve got a minor 2nd degree burn…and that’s the good part!  There’s now a mass of skin on my abs, around the burn, that’s all red, blistered, and bubbling.  It’s insanely itchy while burning at the same time.   This happened last time, and you’d think I’d remember there’s latex in that tape, but oh no!  Not smarty pants here.  Yeesh!  I have NO IDEA what the heck to do for this stupid thing now…and it’s driving ME INSANE!!  I can’t do situps.  I can’t even sit without going nuts. 

But I’m not going to give up working out while this thing heals because that’ll lead to sloth city for me.  Nu uh.  No way.   I just wish I knew how to make the reaction spots stop burning and itching!!  ARGH!!!  Any ideas??? Any at all?!?!?

But I will continute to work out…sans the situps for a while.   Because I’M NOT GIVING UP!!  (I’m just going insane…and I’m so close anyway it’s not really a far trip to be honest!) 

So, while trying to get back into a better headspace…you know the one where you’re all hyped up to lose weight and exercise and excited as crazy about it all?  I’ve been kinda in a stasis…a holding period….which is usually the first sign of the slacking period…and the then backsliding period.  Since I’m SO not going there again…ever!….I’m trying to get back to the headspace I started in…and to do this I’ve started a bunch of lists. I’m famous for my lists.  I love lists.  They so much fun! 

 Anyway, the lists will surely follow (as I can hardly keep track of my arduous journey to a healthy, skinnier me without lists!)…but while doing certain activities…a very shocking revelation came to light and I couldn’t wait to share it…

I started at 248 pounds (yes you’re allowed to cringe…Lord knows I do!)…and my goal weight is currently 180 (I weighed that when I graduated highschool…I’d LOVE to get back there!…the weight, not highschool).  Since I figure Math is the tool of the devil, it took me quite a while to figure out the very simple math of this equation.

248-180= 68 pounds to lose. 

248-211= 37 pounds already lost.

68-37=  31 pounds left to go.

(how many of you are going to cry when I tell you I had to use a calculator for that? LOL!)

Do you see the math!?  (don’t worry if you don’t…took me a while too! And I was doing it!  LOL!!)

I’M OVER HALFWAY THERE!!! 

 I feel like I’ve only just started, but I’m already past the halfway point…and I am SOOO not looking back now!!

How’s that for putting you back into the right headspace??  Sure better than a kick in the pants!!  LOL! 

So my head hasn’t been where it should be this past week.  Well, okay, it’s still sitting on my shoulders (maybe one day soon I can say it’s sitting on my neck again! LOL!), but it’s not in the right place.  Maybe I need to nudge it to the left or something, but I really gotta kick it back into place!

 Not sure what the trouble is, but I’ve found myself less diligent this past week than I have been for the last six.  I’m thinking, am I over tired? (well, yeah, but that’s not new) I’m thinking, am I getting sick of my diet and going back to where I was before? (hell no, we won’t go!!!) So then I’m wondering if it’s just the oddness of TOM in my life, after only two weeks apart, because I went of BC?  (okay, maybe that’s it).

The conclusion I came to though, is that the reason, ultimately, for me doesn’t matter.  Because no matter what’s going on, I’m going to get back into my correct head space…insanely happy, insanely diligent and less “forgiving” of my mistakes.  Do any of you do that too?  Say, “oh, okay I had a doughnut, that was bad, but I’ll do better tomorrow!”  (Great mentality, but for me…if I start this…that happens every five minutes!!  And THAT is not okay!!! LOL!)

Anyway, here’s to drinking coffee, dancing some jigs, and putting my head back on straight….right about where it started six weeks ago!