Chai

Okay, so I got like -maybe- 4 hrs of sleep last night…if I push it.  Probably less.  And I have the resultant lack of sleep headache.  And all my muscles hurt so that even breathing is painful.  And I’m so happy I’m laughing hysterically.  Hmn.  Cause or effect I wonder?  NEITHER!  Why am I so happy?  Because I’m losing weight!  Boo-ya!  Even while being tired, bone dog tired, drag your ass tired…I exercised.  And every day this week I exercised more than the day before.  And I got some wicked workouts…and maintained my low cal diet.  So woo hoo!  Then I step on the scale and it’s gone down, and that makes me SO happy, and I’m SO proud of myself, and so excited about what I’m doing and how I’m changing me and my life…I don’t even feel tired I’m so happy! 

 (I totally get that the scale my not always go down…and I’m not even worried about that, because I’m just as happy about my kick ass workouts and dieting and how sore all my muscles are…FABULOUS!)

 SO here’s to another great workout today…and the resultant pain tomorrow!  Wee-hee! 

So I’m in a bit of a dilemma.  I get no sleep.  Really, about 4-5 hrs a night, on a good night. (it’s because I work nights, and then I get up with my girls in the morning)  And so I’m left exceedingly tired these days, to the point where caffiene isn’t always enough to keep me awake.  Ick.  I’ve been thinking of going to see the Dr and getting something else, but I -hate- taking things, even more than I hate going to see the Dr :)  But then I wonder, if I wasn’t so tired all the time, would I be losing more weight?  So I don’t know if I should go get something, or suck it up and do this on my own?  I’m scared I might become dependant on whatever I get, or that I’ll be unable to lose weight if I stop taking it, or gain it back if I stop taking it.  So, ugh!  I just don’t know what to do?!?  I’m not looking for something that does the work for me, oh no.  Not that dumb!  I’m very much going to continue with my low-cal heathy eating and exercising daily, no matter what.  That’s my new lifestyle and it’s not going to change.  But is it enough?  To just not be tired all the time would be SOO nice.  UGH!  What to do?!?  Am I just a whiner?  Should I just suck it up??

So my eliptical gave up and died on me last week.  Crapper.  Almost made me give up too.  I mean, how hard is that?  You just get going and boom!  No “real” way to exercise.   So I tried something else these past two days…and it SUCKED!  I wimped out and gave up and got a crappy workout, instead of my 2-3 miles.  Which left me unhappier than ever. 

 BUT THEN… I came back here, and read some more of your stories here, about how you all pushed and struggled thru, and it made me NOT give up.  I kicked myself in the butt…and got out the duct tape, and I just remade my eliptical…it’s now 90% duct tape, BUT IT WORKS!!  And so shall I… workout that is

 Here’s to not giving up, even when it seems to be the only option.  ‘Cause its just not an option at all!!

…sounds kinda like a work thing….which is how I’m going to treat this.  Every week, I will have one goal to reach.  This is my work for the week.  My job.  I want to make being healthy a career for me.  So I’m setting my objectives down…Not a weekly weight goal, but something to try and help motivate me to change something about my weightloss plan for the better.  Something to motivate me with something I’m struggling with.  Something to help me make a healthier me.

 This week…it shall be exercise!  And the objective is to exercise at LEAST once every day.  For seven days.  

 For one week this will be my focus.  I will maintain diet, but I will force myself to overcome my laziness with exercising.  I want to see if I can make exercising not a chore, but a habit. 

 I have so many bad ones…here’s to creating a GOOD habit for once!

So tonight, I had my night.  Every two weeks, I get ONE MEAL.  That’s it.  One meal to be bad and go off track.  Realistically, it’s a kinda have to because I spend 40 hrs a week talking about pizza on the phone with my job, and I start craving it.  I used to substitute other bad foods to stop the craving, so to stop that behavior I planned one night to have it so I could work towards that.  So, every two weeks, I have it.  Once.  And every time I over do it, and have more than one slice. 

And I feel like crap.  Not guilty wise, because I’ve been planning this, and it wasn’t a “falling down” moment.  No, I feel bloated and sick and my stomach hurts… and I’m left wondering….did I really waste two weeks looking forward…to this??  UGH!  Two weeks of good and great behavior where I felt great… makes this feel a million times worse than normal and I don’t think there’s any way I can do this again.  Or more importantly, even WANT to do this again.  Now I just have to spend the next two weeks remembering this moment.  The “after”ness if you will; not the eating part, but the way I feel after I’ve eaten.  Blugh!

 Here’s to another eye-opener.

Many days I’ve -wished- for the darned thing to die so I wouldn’t have to exercise…but now that it’s my best friend I love it to death.  Apprently more literally than I’d like because today it actually DID die!  And now I’m so sad!  That was my uber fun workout, and I’m at a loss for what to do now! Eek!  I finally get going and God decides to throw my usual roadblocks up…the things that made me give up or put off working on my weight.  First I get sick, and then I get more sick (who wants to work out when the can’t breath?).  Then my family stresses me out and I freak out about money again (and out comes the chocolate to deal with the stress).  Then I have to work double shifts and am excessivly overtired (always a reason to turn to sugar…energy!).  All times that usually lead me to give up on exercise and eat my heart out.  But I didn’t give up and I didn’t give in this time!  I kept going and being proud and happy…and now my eliptical has died and I don’t know how to fix this.  Can’t afford another one for at least three months, and I have to find a way to exercise today!

But I’m NOT giving up!  I will find a way to fix this and exercise.  Doesn’t my daughter have a skipping rope?  That might work…

So today I was trying to atone for my sins yesterday of eating too much chocolate…and it was FABULOUS!

 It feels SO much better to be good!  I like being able to be proud of myself, rather than guilty for the things I’ve done

 And because I was good…and I feel proud…I am excited about being able to do this, to lose this weight, and I have HOPE!

So I’m addicted to chocolate…and Grey’s Anatomy.  And probably a few other things too that just aren’t readily coming to mind right now .  But tonight, I combined my two addictions…and this new me has reacted in a new way.   I made the last new episode of Grey’s Anatomy a “special occasion” by having some chocolate.  Just a piece.  Well, ”just a piece” became five.   And guilt ABOUNDS! 

HOWEVER…instead of feeling like I have fallen off my horse and reacting by eating more mud while I’m down, I actually feel … wait…is that…happy??  Yes, yes it is.  I’m HAPPY I did this.  Well, guilty, but still happy.  Because now I have seen one of my BIG pitfalls…and have made a new law that there is NO eating while the TV is on.   It’s too hard to stop once you’ve started, so it is simply easier and better to not start at all.   Spot the problem, fix the problem, problem gone!

So instead of being mad at myself, I have FIXED my problem, and am still on my way to a newer, better…hopefully slimmer…me.

I can’t seem to get rid of this stupid phleghm monster living in my chest.  This cold just won’t die a nice quiet death like it should.  Kinda like the pounds that just won’t melt off my hips like the should!

 In the past this would have been a nice, handy excuse not to exercise…and hey, since we’re not exercising might as well not eat great because really, we’ll do better tomorrow.  But then tomorrow comes and we feel guilty for being bad, so we eat more…Vicious cycle!  And now I understand it doesn’t WORK…of course I knew it didn’t work before…but now I know that I can control it…it doesn’t control me.  Talk about POWER baby!!!  Mwhahahaha…I control the world!!  (at least mine ; )  )

And so I’m off to do 2.5 more miles today….hey maybe we’ll even try for three!!

This is my first blog…wow!  How old do I feel?  More important though is how FAT I feel…hence the start of the blogging.  I am determined…DETERMINED…to lose weight.  I think I have finally figured out why I haven’t been losing weight.  It’s  like I put on glasses and can finally see clearly…like something just clicked and I can finally understand. 

This will be a daily battle for me…and it’s very much something I can do.  I can control this, it doesn’t control me!

And so beings the battle…